Kitty Licker

I just ran across this video and had to share it with everyone... the look on the cat's face is PRICELESS at the end!!!

DEAD x 10!!!

The Ex Factor

Hey blog fam I just ran across this article in the news that happened right near my job... like literally I passed the intersection 30 minutes before the coonery began.

It all started Tuesday evening and I watched what happened yesterday on the news and couldn't believe my eyes and the sheer stupidity of a men and women dating.

OAKLAND, Calif. -- Oakland investigators are blaming a fight over a woman for sparking a wild series of events that began with gunfire and ended in a car crash.

The trouble started when a 25-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend were driving on 73rd Ave. Tuesday night when they encountered the woman's ex-boyfriend in another car.

Police say the boyfriend fired a gun at the ex-boyfriend.

No one was hit, but that prompted the ex-boyfriend -- a 32-year-old San Francisco man -- to pursue and ram the new boyfriend's car with his car.

Source

Folks do you know they ended these whole shenanigans with a fist fight in the middle of the street??? And the funniest part is that the couple were driving a Datsun while the ex (who rammed them) was driving a Caddy. Now the sheer physics of that is enough not to shoot at this nucca... LOL!

Now c'mon people.. unless somebodies private parts are made of platinum should you ever contemplate doing any of this nignant ish. Fellas.. what is the point of trying to kill the ex? He's an ex right? You hitting that 10 ways till Sunday and you should be happy you got the woman of your dreams on your arm.

*note* I'm embellishing the hell out of this with the adjectives - cause I seen ole girl... and she was no friggin prize I tell you.. more like the cereal box free magnifying glass you get that won't burn an ant *end note*

Please folks.. we must do better!

Where there's smoke...

I was recently conversating with my boyfriend this past weekend and we happened to start talking about past events in our lifes we wished could have happened differently. Events we now look upon with side splitting laughter because who would have thunk we would be so dumb to do them in the first place. You know how I say common sense is not common? Well I wasn't always this insightful nor wise...

I can recall a time in my life around high school where I just knew I was grown and in charge. I must have been in the 10th grade and my best friend at the time thought that we should take up smoking cigarettes...


*note* This post in no way condones smoking of minors - keep reading and you'll see why...*end note*

So we planned a day to ditch school after my friend's mother left for work and went shopping and mulling around town. We ended up at her house and somehow I had lost the lighter we used earlier to light our cigs.. I'm thinking damn.. now we can't smoke and I wanted a cig bad too. My friend has the bright idea to light our cigs on the stove - hell it's fire.. so I'm in a hurry and go first.

I put the cigarette in my mouth and bend down to the gas stove and light the pilot...

SWOOOOOOSH

was all I heard and the next thing I know I smell burned hair....

My friend jumps up and falls on the floor writhing in laughter as she barely spits out that my eyebrows and eyelashes are gone...



I run to the bathroom and there it was in plain view....



Now I look like Whoopi going to my junior prom... *smh*

For the record my eyelashes and eyebrows have grown back.. but it also taught me a valuable lesson... yeah I still smoke, but now I light the pilot first and my head stays away from the flame at all times!

Bad Girls Club

Okay so as this new chapter in the last days of 2008 unfold I need for my readers to become hip to a new genre of tv... above and beyond any nignorant, triflin', rude obnoxiuos ghetto behavior... this has my all time attention since first viewing this scene a few years back...



Yes folks.. the yt lady just got molly whopped real good across the forehead and cranium region... WTF? LOL... dayum boo.. just duck next time... or stop and think - Do I really need my ass whooped on national tv.... or maybe if that don't do it realize a few things before you walk into the ring with Rocky v.2010

a. I am only talking ish cause I got a crowd of people

b. Those people aren't going to take this ass whipping for me

and last but not least....

c. I am not drunk yet so I really can't fight........

So please readers and blog fam... please check out the new season of Bad Girls Club - I highly recommend it!

Here is a link to the almost full episode of that fight.

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v3109387nHrqbWtz

Please be sure to catch this seasons newest additions to the bad girl household airing tomorrow (12/2) on your local Oxygen channel....

Eff the homeless

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving went off without a hitch and there was plenty of good food, friends and family to enjoy them with. I spent my entire day cooking and cleaning for an empty house... I mean not one of my friends or family showed up to eat dinner on Thanksgiving. I was truly pissed cause now I've got all this food I can't get rid of to save my life. Case and point... the boyfriend and I had a fabulous idea this weekend to make plates and give them to the homeless we see passing by.

Well let's just say I will never EVER again try this... we began making plates Friday morning and by noon we had 10 freshly made plates of food including all the fixings.. ham, turkey, greens, stuffing, gravy, mac n cheese, yams and sweet potatoe pie. Now I'm thinking like most of you.. if you are homeless and hungry then you'd be more than willing to take the goods being offered freely. Well not these ghetto fabu-don'ts in my neighborhood.

The first couple that passed us by were quite homely - she had on Jody Watley leg warmers from the 70's and a couple of layers of clothes topped off with a lumber jack hat and he wore jeans that were ratted and torn and members only jacket with an old raggedy baseball cap. I thought this is the first couple in which I'm going to make my trip to heaven a little easier... so I offer:

Me: Hey I've got some left over food that we couldn't finish for Thanksgiving and wanted to know if you would like a plate? We've already fixed them and their ready to go....

Her: What you got?

Him: Is it hot?



How about you just say thank you and be appreciative somebody is thinking about your homeless behind in the first place because I could be out there stampeding over people this Black Friday.... but back to the story...

So I tell them that the food was room temp and gave them the rundown on the fixings... the first couple passed on the idea because they didn't eat greens - gave them the runs... and I guess that's a bad thing when you're homeless...

The next suspect to come along was a younger version of Al B Sure.. like you could tell in his hay day he was the ish.. but now that crack and whatever drug he'd been consuming now made him look like the Crypt Keeper... so he walks by and my b/f asks him if he'd like a plate.. again the same question - is it hot?

Finally I'm thinking in my mind "Dude why don't you blow some of that hot ass never been brushed yuk mouth breath on the food and that should warm it right up" But I'm in the holiday giving spirit and I answer his question.. then he was like well I just don't eat everybody's cooking so what kind of meat did you put in the greens?



By this point I'm fed up and exhausted.. I never knew trying to feed the homeless was such a trying task. I gave up after the last gentleman asked me did I make the stuffing from scratch or was it some stove top....

Uninvited Guests

Have you ever had someone come to your house and clear the entire room with their stank attitude or snooty position? I had a recent encounter with someone that literally left me speechless.. and I'm not usually a quiet person. I had just begun to eat my dinner with my best friend oneless and Mr Hubby when my doorbell rang. I knew that my b/f's daughter was coming by and I never have a problem with that... but I do however have an issue with the grandmother. Just by coincident we happen to have the same name in which we pronounce differently, but it's spelled the same.. yeah I know.. tomatoe/tomatoe doesn't constitute snooty, but the look off the end of her nose sure does.

So she comes into my home basically uninvited and Mr. Hubby almost shuts the door in her face.. because there is a serious underlying problem with this lady. The mother of two of his children past away two years ago and the only other living parent on this earth is Mr. Hubby and she refuses to allow him visitation.. isn't the purpose of being a grandmother to facilitate a loving, nurturing relationship between father and son? Her daughter that is now in heaven would certainly not approve of this behavior and so I made it a point to confront her about her lack of compassion in this situation. His eldest child is 18 (about to be 19) and so she really has no control over where she goes and what she does. The son is 10 and he hasn't seen his father in over two years.. and it's not for a lack of trying either. We've tried every imaginable way to allow this icicle hearted bish to lower her guard and allow this relationship to grow. We are still battling this in court to this day, but are steady losing ground in mediation, because the son doesn't want to come over.. he thinks our house is boring.. and I think he needs a quick stiff kick in the backside and then rushed to his Dad's house for some bonding.

Back to the point of this story though.. (I'm so easily side tracked) so as she enters my home with nose turned up staring at my food.... now there are three things in this life I don't play with.. my man, my money and my food... so I put my plate up cause I see this hungry unannounced heiffa is bout to catch an old fashioned ass whooping if she reach in my plate. She greets oneless with a limp handed hand shake which is a no no! That is snooty as they come and oneless knows this too. So I make it a point to ask her politely where the son is and why she didn't bring him with her.. she responds that he was at home playing video games and didn't want to come (SEOD for about 45 seconds)

So I continue and let her know that I've been missing him and would love to see him. I tell her that even my daughter misses having him around. She was never interested in wrestling until he introduced it to her. Now every year I have to run out and get the latest edition of Raw or Smackdown.

She responds with.. "Well you know I'll be in Oakland on Wednesday... "

Me: "Oh great - we'd love to see him Wednesday!!"

Her (with snooty looks off the end of her long ass nose) "No.. I mean I'll be in town on Wednesday for a meeting..."

Bish.. did I ask you what you're doing this week?? Did I really ask you for YOUR itenerary??? I don't want to see you! I want to see your grandson idiot!! I see this is a losing battle from the gate and she really has not a clue and no matter what I say at this point isn't going to make a difference in how she will react with icy responses.. So I bid my friend oneless goodbye as I said good night to everyone and retired to my room for the evening.. before my blood pressure rose and I had to drop kick that heiffa in the left ear lobe..

Pay like you Weigh!

Hey folks!! I was sure that yesterday I was going to be able to sit down with my blog and just hash out a few posts, but with Mr Hubby taking the day off yesterday (just to bug the ish out of me) I wasn't able to concentrate and spend a few online. But never fear.. Wifee is here.. big shout out to Oneless holding it down with her post below. I didn't think I was going to be able to type after that bowling trip we took Saturday night... Lawd my arms, back, legs and shoulders hurt. We had a blasts, but it is getting too expensive to chill with grown folks.



So other than bowling with the fam and friends - I've had a pretty interesting weekend to say the least. My daughter's father came and picked her up for the weekend.. something he used to do without fail when she was younger, but it seems as his interest in women change - so does his behavior and visitation patterns with my daughter. Here's a little history on this trick (and you'll understand why I call him a trick as we near the end of this story)

When I met my daughter's father, I was 21 and doing my own thing ya know? We hooked up in 1993 and a year later my baby was born. We weren't together for very long, and once our relationship ended we went back with our exes. Once my daughter was born - he married his ex. She wasn't much of a woman due to the fact we had several Maury/Jerry Springer type conversations and she was actually jealous of this precious baby because she hadn't yet spit out her own version of her mini-man. So I was never able to have the address to where he and the misses lived nor was I to have their home phone number... but I continued to let him be apart of her life.

About 8 years ago his ex wife attempted to kill him - literally and spent some time in jail which ended the marriage. He then moved on to his prize possession Mz Skrippa Hoe and stayed with her for about 6 years. While he was with the skrippa hoe he would make sure that his daughter was with him on Summer vacations, Xmas, Thanksgiving.. any holiday in which she was out of school she spent it with her dad... the reason being because skrippa didn't have a job.. not in 6 years.. not a one.. but she lived in the exes house and had a daughter of her own. Go figure...

When this relationship ended 4 years ago things went downhill.. the new girl was a chihuahua looking hoodrat, but that's besides the point.. she has grown kids and really doesn't push him to want to be a part of his daughter's life. Where he was spending every other weekend and vacations with her.. to now where he's spending maybe 3 1/2 weeks out of the year with her... But did I mention that this heffa don't have a job either?? So what I deduce from this is he is a trick.. paying for hoes to live... simple.

After the cell phone bill debacle in which he promised my daughter that he would pay the bill and renigged - I decided this is more than an opportune time to make you pay like you weigh... Monday we spent time in court to revise the current child support order which was established when she was a year old to a whopping sum of $212.00 a month... yeah I don't know anyone who can survive off that.. hell welfare recipients get more than that a month. I've never had the support order changed because I felt I didn't need to as long as he was spending time with his daughter.. but now he's asked for joint custody and visitation rights..



I have faith that this latest stint which has now delayed my support order revision will in the end benefit my daughter to the tune of $850.00 a month... I feel like my daughter should be the number one female in line to get this trick's money. Dayum that mess make a bish feel like P. Diddy right now...

TAKE THAT.. TAKE THAT.. TAKE THAT!!!

I love This Town

I love my town, BUT I wish we had better things to do out here. Does anyone remeber the skate rink, from back in the day?! I know I do, and I think that I would like to go skating! But where! I'm not to OG status (thank goodness), but im not a youngsta either, I prefer not to be around the rowdy rowdiness, but love to have fun. So the skate rinks that I know about are full of youngstas, and further more too far. Can we bring these things BACK to Oakland PLEASE!!! I like to be in my own community too! And another thing, we went bowling 2 weeks ago, and can someone tell me when bowling got so damn expensive!!! I remember the last time I went bowling the shoe rental came WITH purchase, and you paid per game. NOW you pay per game, per person, and for the damn shoes (which might I mention on the night we went they had run out, so we're playing in sneakers!) And lets not think that you might want to have a drink!! AND they dont even have the different selection of balls like they use to. Back in the day you could find a bowling ball that was just right! Now you have 3 options, little, average, and heavy as all out doors. Its just not like I remember. We did have fun though, even though the next day I woke up with a blister on my thumb from throwing the heavy as ALL hell ball, just too damn hard! Well anyway, thats it...i'm just venting...and now im on my way to go bowling!

Got Me Working Working Day & Night

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work ask him, 'Whose?' "
Don Marquis

Hey blogging fam and guests! I'm so sorry for leaving you without a fresh rhyme to step to.. uh yeah, but some of you may know that I've been working like a slave in two football fields of cotton with one hand tied behind my back and double dutching at the same time.. yeah like that!

I've had a few things on my mind I wanted to share. I know alot of you come here to read the funny stories about me and my teenage daughter and she's been doing great ever since the two ass whoopings I had to lay down on her candy ass...



But more so she's talking to me more about things going on in her life. She's been without a cellphone for a few weeks now and had more time to study.. and I explained that once the punishment is over (next report card) that we would see how things will go... Other than that things are clear sailing... for now.

Next on the list for discussion is my 51/50 coworker who took off the last two months (why I've been working like a dog) and is set to return next week. My question is why I've seen her more while she's been out than if she was really here at work? I really want her to see my face everytime she comes up in here "to see how I'm doing" and realize that ish ain't cute!



Yeah.. I'm really fed up with having to do her work and mine.. and to top it off another coworker is out on a week's vacation.. guess who's left with the work? Yup... me! But back to this 51/50 bish..



Why don't black people ever go out on a 51/50? Why cause we know we ain't gonna do ish to ourselves.. but we may eff up Becky at the job... and that leads to the jail cell not the padded one.

I know most of ya'll think I'm jealous, but that's not it.. If a person needs time off to care for themselves and to get their mind right - then I'm all for it, but she's been throwing parties, having a Vegas Vacation, drinking (read getting pissy drunk) and smoking all while I'm stuck behind these grey cubicle walls each and every day. The doctor diagnosed her with bipolar, manic depression and schizophrenia.. so don't some of those medicines interact badly with alcohol? I don't know.. I'm no doctor, but that don't sound right. Besides I don't wish no ill will on nobody, but I got money on how long it takes this heffa to either go out on another 51/50 or quit.... I'm taking all bets!

Be careful which theme song you pick!

I just ran across this interesting tidbit at Eurweb that I thought I would share with you all...

*MTV.com points out that the theme music used to close speeches given Tuesday night by both President-elect Barack Obama and former GOP nominee John McCain were from films starring Oscar winner Denzel Washington.


The Web site reported:


McCain left the Arizona stage to part of Hans Zimmer’s score from “Crimson Tide.” The 1995 Tony Scott film focused on a career Navy man (Gene Hackman), labeled a maverick by some, who is stripped of his authority and ultimately beaten by a young black guy, somewhat new to the scene (Washington).


Then there was Obama, who left the stage to the strings of Trevor Rabin’s score from “Remember the Titans.” The 2000 Disney/Bruckheimer joint? It followed an African-American coach who brought together whites and blacks to win a championship.

Tee Heee heee... now if that ain't treated.. I don't what is....

Chocolate News (Why haven't you Tivo'd this?)

Okay shame on you if you haven't caught the latest episode of Chocolate News.. I swear this man almost made me break my jaw laughing so hard.. this is some real talk though! Check it out... and don't forget to put this kneegrow into your tivo rotation!




"President Barack Obama! Hmm Mmmm Mmmm.."

*FTFO*

Where was I when Barack became Prez?

Well most of my blogging friends have given their rendition of where they were on the great evening when Barack Obama was elected President and I've yet to add my story...





Tuesday evening I arrive home around 5:30 pm after haggling with Sprint over a broken phone (another story altogether) so when I get home, my daughter was sick with a migraine that day so she stayed home, so I turned on the television to Faux news - I figured the closer to calling the race we get I'll turn to CNN (the real news) but for now I wanted to see how their opinions would fare with the rest of the nation...





Around 6:15 pm Mr Hubby returns home after a hard day on the job of dealing with OFC (other folks chilluns) and he's tired but inspired. We both cast our votes earlier that morning in order to avoid the after work rush. We sit and watched as the electoral votes grow larger and larger for Obama.. 158 to 76 and the fluttering is starting to begin in my heart. Can we actually win this thing or am I going to have to move to Canada? Lawd I don't wanna move to Canada...





My best friend Nikki (my beloved guest blogger) arrives at my house we have our first pre-Obama session. Once the puff has been passed it's close to 7:30 pm and we're ever so close to electing the next President - electoral at this point was 220 - 151 in favor of Obama and I'm thinking in my mind... this is pretty much a wrap.. once we add Cali's 55 electoral votes it's done... so I run outside to greet my bff'ers mom as she arrives wondering who won.. meantime my daughter is upstairs screaming and hollering and I ran back in the house to see what was up.. and there across my screen it read:

Yeah that's my 50 inch telling you just what I saw at 8pm... I now have a black President. My first reaction was to scream as well then I ran outside and told everyone Obama WON!! My bff'ers and mother came into the house and celebrated with us throughout most of the night as we popped champizzle and toasted glasses to the greatest thing since sliced bread... all of our dreams and hopes rested in this election and it was satisfying.. no it was gratifying to know that our prayers and votes had not gone unanswered..

Trust me - I wanted to pass out a few times during the screaming, but my body refused. 400 years of waiting wouldn't allow me too.. it kept telling me stand girl.. even if it's on one leg.. stand and take notice of this moment! No more excuses.. no more rhetoric about how we aren't given the chance or the white man this or the white man that... nope... all of that talk is pretty much dead and now when I look at my daughter I can see the next American President of the United States....

My President is Black!!!!!

It's official folks.. we now have our first black President of the USA.. and we did it in record numbers. I am especially proud of my black folks for not acting too much of a fool last night with no real incidents of nignant episodes across the streets of America. I made it to work on time, but unfortunately this flu that's been going around is kicking my tuckus.. so I just wanted to hop on here and let everyone know that I am esctatic about last night's victorious, historical and monumental occassion and will leave you with my "party" song we played last night during our celebration!

President OBAMA

Hello everyone! These last few months I have been so anxious!! Anxious to find out the results from this day. I can honestly say, before Barack was ever a candidate, I said to myself: I will never see a black president in my life time, and if by some small chance we did he would be assasinated....shout out to all of the haters that fear a black man in a positive position of power!


Once Barack was an initial option, I was saying to myself, I'm not going to vote for this man just because he's black....let me just say Jesse Jackson : (


But I have gone from feelings of uncertainty to feelings of empowerment. I see this election as clear cut. I see that we have a candidate that is the best person for the job, of getting OUR America back on track. I see in Barack the black leader that my people have been deprived of. Although there will never be any replacements for our Malcom X's, Martin Luther King's, or our Huey Newtons'. WE now have someone that is letting the people know YES you can. Yes you dont have to be the product of your enviornment, you can make your own future! Sky is the limit and, yes although as minorities will always face more roadblocks then others, if you are dedicated there is nothing that you can't achieve. Your worse enemy is you, and what you do not allow your self to accomplish.



The older I get the more I shake my head at these youngsters out here. It's sad, I mean the crack babies (seriously) have grown up, and they have no self pride, no respect for themselves, let alone for what there history represents. And now that we have BARACK as president, I feel like maybe there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. A positive example that will give these youngstas hope, and the realization that they CAN do anything.



I could not be any prouder then, I am right now to see how many of the generation beneath me (im only 29) has interest in this monumental event. They are proud, and they are holding there head high. And although I know this is not everyone's feelings we still have the niggers who just don't give a fuck, or that think there vote doesn't count....but today their ignorance doesn't cut so deep! There ignorance is firing me up to spread my intelligence, to share the knowledge, and show people the strength that we have in numbers. The influence that we have on America, and the greatness that we can achieve. It almost has me ready to scream REVOLUTION! Last night wasn't just a win for Obama, it was a win for all minorities that have ever faced a "glass ceiling", discrimination just because, or amazement in a persons voice because you are achieving more then they ever thought you were capable of. Today is the beginnig of the rest of our lives. Today is a good day, and I will never forget how I feel at this moment. I AM now PROUD to be an American.



Shout out to the Secret Service: ya'll have one hell of a job on your hands. don't fuck up and keep our brother safe!

GO VOTE!!

Today has finally arrived and it's time to stop debating, contemplating and get your behind to a voting poll to cast your ballot. Every vote counts!! Be a part of this historic event. I will forever remember this day because this is the first chance we could legitimately have a black man in office.

It's a warm 60 degrees here in Oakland and once the polls opened at 7am I was 32nd in line to vote. The lines seemed to stretch around the block as many of my neighbors waited for their turn. Everyone had smiles on their faces because the notion of one person making a change seemed to stretch the imagination in elections past.. but not this one. It's clear that the black vote is coming out in force and want their voices heard.

We need for young (over 18) and old to go out and show support for whatever candidate you choose.. but just CHOOSE!

Guest Blogger! Yaaaaeah Boi!

I am going to formally introduce one of my bestest friends in the whole wide universe to guest blog on my site. She will appear from time to time with her own thoughts and views about life. Please blogging fam.. show her your warm support and love as she enters the blogging world a virgin...




So be on the lookout for this cool mofo and her peals of wisdom. This should be quite the experience folks..

Beware though.. she's lethal with the vocab

Chocolate News Part Dueax

If any of you missed the episode of Chocolate News.. please feel free to catch his rendition of how not to act on Nov 4th.. ROFL!

"We are within spitting distance of putting a brother in the White House, but right now, Barack's chances are shakier than Whitney on the pipe! So black people, I am begging you, until Nov 4, stop doing stupid sh**!"

DEAD!!

Noose you didn't!!

*Effigies of Barack Obama were hung on the University of Kentucky campus and outside a home in Indiana this week after authorities said an effigy of Sarah Palin in California was offensive, but not a hate crime, reports the Associated Press.

A life-sized likeness of Obama was found hanging from a tree with a noose around its neck Wednesday at the University of Kentucky. University President Lee Todd said he planned to apologize to the Obama family on behalf of the school and that he is "personally offended and deeply embarrassed by this disgusting episode."

Source

Okay what in the hell is on the mind of college students these days?? It's not funny for either side to do this, but this is just re-damn-diculous.. how can you be so naive and gullible and just plain offensive? I'm somebodies mama and I'm on that kick of I don't give a damn who did it first - both ya'll asses are in trouble. What say you blog fam?

Happy Halloween

Well today I'm tired and full.. that office potluck was off the chain and I don't normally fool with other people's cooking especially if I don't know how they keep house, but I have to give kudos to the cooks I was bacteria-free sure about! Dem yt folks don't know nothing about my receptionist greens.. Sweet Minty Jesus be some fatback...

Anywho - here's a lil flashback music to fit the occassion, Enjoy!



What would Halloween be without Vincent Price and Wacko Jacko? Well here's another version that I'm sure you all will enjoy - straight from the Cebu prison overseas somewhere... they got way too much time on their hands!



And although this ain't Rockwell with MJ.. this rendition was just as cute.. somebody say go yt boy go!!



And yes you must include Will Smith's Nightmare on my street - classic! Have a great weekend fam!

The Ex Effect

I can't make all of my posts about my daughter (although I would love to) there are other things in my world that urk me. I have an ex boyfriend who seems to think we are buddies now after 7 years of separation. Now don't get me wrong I like to remain friends with my exes to a point... point being where you aren't calling me three times a week bugging me about ish you could have saved your daytime minutes and just sent me an email. He doesn't just call to ask how I'm doing, but he calls with random tidbits of life that I really could care less about. The reason why he's an ex is because he couldn't never seem to get his ish together and stay on one job long enough to remember his boss' name much less earn a decent living...

So he's still moving job to job - unstable and living with roommates (who in the hell still has a roommate at age 40?) and barely keeping his eyeball above water. When we were together he made it a point to move his daughter in with us and then quit his job that I got for him making $16 an hour to go work at Blockbuster...



We never should have even dated, more like we should have been eff buddies.. He has no potential for anything other than becoming a male prostitute because that's the only upside to him... the largest "you know what" I've ever laid eyes on, but even that won't keep you under Wifee's roof because now those come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and colors...

He doesn't have the concept of what a good woman is until she's gone. Now he's missing his well cause the water ran dry. Everytime I talk to him it's like my brain is saying to me: "Why are you still on the phone? Hang up now!" But I don't want to be rude. The last call he made he stated that he's moving back to Oakland...



So I'm asking my blogging friends for advice... how should I handle this situation the next time he calls with the blah blah wompity womp womp?

She better learn Morse Code...

I so forgot to mention in that last post about the conversation my daughter and I had about the messages on her phone.. please don't think that I just let that ish slide...

So as I'm sitting there yesterday on my couch pissed about her behavior in class while she's busting suds..(washing dishes for the yt folks) I'm trying to have a drink and calm down because another ass whoopin is on the way. Her phone was sitting next to me on the table after confiscating it the other day. So the phone starts to ring with a new message.. and of course I look at it and all it says is the phone number (remember I had her delete all the boys numbers out of the phone) so she is trying to be slick eh? The message is filthy... something about a hug leading to a kiss, finger.. and what not... but no name is on the message.

So I call her down and ask "Who's number is 330-xxxx??"

Her: *blank stare*

Me: (oh so now you deaf huh?) So I yell - "WHO'S NUMBER IS 330-XXXX????"

She: (replying meekly) "A friend of mine"

Me: "Is it a boy?"

Her: *silence*

Me: (after I jump up from the couch, spill my drink and catch her by the throat) "What the hell is wrong with yo gotdarun mouth? You can't speak? Don't make me buss you in the eye.. IS IT A BOY?"

Her: "yes"



So after all of the conversations, beatings and warnings she still think she can defy me and have hot tailed nasty lil boys call the phone I pay for eh? Well that phone is no longer an issue because now that phone is going to be shut the hell off! Thank God for Ghettro.. no contracts.. no problem! She better get used to that payphone...

Where are my blood pressure meds?

Lawd I tell you my blood pressure has just raised 40 points fooling with my teenager. Why is it teenagers have brain damage?? Somebody please answer the question for me because I fail to understand why I received ANOTHER call from one of my daughter's teachers about her behavior in class?




It's not enough that she's already had the cell phone, tv, house phone and computer taken away from her, but she just had to take it further and play with someone else's cell phone in class.. I mean didn't I just whoop her ass day before yesterday for acting out in class?? So she ain't learned a dayum thing I see. But wait ya'll that's not all she's been up too.. hmmm mmm no ma'am. Since I have possession of the cell phone it prompted me to take a look at her phone from the messages to the pics.. and well let's just say this heffa ain't slick.




She told me that she never has her cellphone out in class, but I'll be damned if there weren't pics in her phone of her third period classmates posing in science class..

But the kicker was the upteen messages in her inbox that she didn't delete from a boy that made me blush as an adult. The messages were filthy and disgusting and even though it was one of those chain text messages, I wouldn't forward that mess to my dog let alone another human being. Now I'm ready to take the kid gloves off and send her ass right to the doctor for a routine kitty box inspection.. I don't have time to be caring for no teenager's baby! And what do I look like being a grandmother at age 37? I'd rather let pirranahas eat my eyeball meat.. shooot I refuse to support a teenage hard headed mother...

This girl must think I've lost my mind.. either that or she thinks I'm not serious about beating her every day until she understands I'm NOT PLAYING! Either way my right arm is going to get a workout again...

When will you learn?

I don't know what's got into my daughter lately, but Sweet Minty Jesus had his precious arms tied around me like bungee cords I swear ya'll.. now most of you by now think I'm crazy as a bessy bug, but I'm an effective parent.. okay so peep this scenario:

I'm at work playing on the internet (as usual) and I get my normal call from my daughter at 3:30 to let me know she's out of school and on her way home. No sooner than I hang up the phone, but her last period algebra teacher calls..



Now I'm sure most of you can recall a time in your life when your mother or father received that priceless phone call from a teacher about your shenanigans at the school house.. I'm going to take you back to that place.

Teacher: "Uh yes.. is this the parent of ________"

Me: "Yes.. how can I help you?"

Teacher: "Well I've been having some trouble today with ______ and she's been quite disruptive in class talking with her friends and she wasn't able to complete any of the assignments in class today..."



Me: "Is that so? Well this is totally unacceptable and she and I will discuss this matter at great length this evening. I appreciate you calling me with the info."

Now after I finished spewing green vomit and turning my head around like the excorcist.. I call my daughter because her lil behind just left his class and was sounding all cute on the phone with me just prior.. well I know how to cut that "cute" in half!

Me: "When you get home do your homework and don't touch the tv, phone, cellphone, or the computer.. matter of fact you just be glad I'm letting you breathe..."

Her: "uhhhhh okay"

Click

I know the whole way home she's sweating bullets wondering how much I know about what she did.. and serves her right, because now I'm madder than McCain on Nov 5th. Why is it so hard for this little girl to just go to school and learn.. what's so hard about that? Especially knowing her mama doesn't have good sense. *smh*

We seem to make it home at the same time and as I walk up to the door, she's got her keys in the doorway I swear fo God I just wanted to do this:



But I want to hear her story.. so she starts explaining how her friends are talking in class and she was just laughing at them and got in trouble... and that she's done her classwork but forgot to turn it in and blah blah wompity womp womp...

So I let her know by no means necessary will she be talking in class if I have to super glue her lips together because her only job in this world is to go to school.. period! I had to reach back and grab my "reminder" and let my 14 yr old know she ain't never going to get too big to beat.. hmm mmm I whooped her behind all over the house last night..



I betcha she ain't said a mumblin word today..

November 5th

This is for those of you who may not know how to act... LOL!


Good Morning My People -

After watching the final debate the other night, it dawned on me that
Obama could actually win this thing. If that happens, there will be a
lot of people (some of our co-workers included) who will be afraid that an Obama presidency will usher in the end of days. They'll be watching us on November 5th (the day after the election) for signs of the end times.



To keep the peace and keep a lot of folks from getting nervous, I think
we should develop a list of acceptable celebrations and behaviors we
should probably avoid - at least for the first few days:



1. No crying, hugging or shouting "Thank you Lord" - at least not in public

2 No high-fives - at least not unless the area is clear and there are no witnesses

3 No laughing at the McCain/Palin supporters

4 No calling in sick on November 5th. They'll get nervous if too many of us don't show up. (Try to be on time and not your normal late arrival)

5 We're allowed to give each other knowing winks or nods in passing. Just try to keep from grinning too hard.

6. No singing loudly, We've come this Far By Faith (it will be acceptable to hum softly)

7. No bringing of barbeque ribs or fried chicken for lunch in the company lunchroom for at least a week (no chittlings at all) (this may make us seem too ethnic)

8. No leaving kool-aid packages at the water fountain (this might be a sign that poor folks might be getting a break through)

9. No Cupid Shuffle or Electric Slide during breaks (this could indicate a little too much excitement)

10. Please no Moving on Up music (we are going to try to remain humble)

11. No doing the George Jefferson dance (unless you're in your office with the door closed)

12. Please try not to yell----BOOOO YAH!

13. Just in case you're wondering, Doing the Running Man, cabbage patch, or a backhand spring on the highway is 100% okay.





If I've missed anything feel free to add to the list. I just want to
make sure we're all on the same page when Obama brings this thing home
on November 5th.


Now go get your early vote on and let's make this thing happen!!!

Voting Registrar

Hope vs Wish

I thought about this topic last night as I drove home and wanted to share my opinion on this subject. I have coworkers and friends that are yt and I really believe that they have a different view on hope vs wish than black folks.


Here let me explain.. as a famous comedian spelled it out.. Yt folks hope while black folks wish.. example number 1:




yt person: I hope no one's in my seat when I arrive...




black person: I wish a mofo would be sitting in my seat when I get there...

I say all of that to say that more yt folks really need to adopt our way of thinking. They need to stop hoping on a star (or whatever it is they do) and start getting gangsta with it!

A friend of mine (yt) was having problems with another friend in the fact that her daughter was being accused of sleeping with somebodies man (which of course wasn't true) so the "other" friend insisted on giving my patna a hard time. She would call and argue and swear up and down that my friend's daughter (who's of age to be doing the hokey pokey) was sleeping with so and so's man.. well during a lunch break she divulged all of this and was really worried about whether or not the girl was going to continue to blow up her phone with this nonsense...

*in unison - all the black folks say*

I WISH A MOFO WOULD CALL MY PHONE AND HARASS ME!

(whoo feel better now?) I know I do..

First off.. if my grown ass daughter is doing the huck a buck with anybody - that's her business.. and it only becomes my business when I'm told about it.. and I wish a mofo would try and call me with some mess like that in the first place. People.. people.. people... drama like this can all be avoided by keeping your hope and wish list separate..

Hope List:
I hope I can get out of work early

I hope I get a good scratch off and win the lottery

Wish List:
I wish a mofo ask me to work late today..

I wish a mofo would ask me for spare change.. how bout you get a spare job ole broke azz!

So yt folks.. I'm trying to give you a little insight and direction in which to react to certain situations.. USE IT!

Tis all for now..

Oh so you just lost your mind eh?

But its a monday, my day,
So just let me hit it, yo
And dont mistake my statement for a clown
We can keep in the down low long as you know
That I get around.

Okay that song had been stuck in my head forever this morning and I just had to let it out! Big shout out to N0days0ff and his hoarding behind.. hmm mm..



Now I got all yo gifs fool whaa? Now on to today's blog.

So I've been stuck on this memory kick lately and it seems to be working so let me continue with yet another mystical memory of parenthood. I can remember it like it was yesterday.. my daughter was in elementary school in the 4th grade. The teacher was out ill for a considerable amount of time so the school thought it would be best to bring in a "permanent" substitute teacher for the remainder of the year. Now my daughter got along very well with the previous teacher and so I figured the change wouldn't be too much of an upset for her, but I never expected her to react like she did...

I'll never forget the call from the "permanent" teacher regarding my daughter's behavior as I sat at work. She stated that my daughter had a report due in school that day and she had given the kids at least a month to prepare...



Well my daughter didn't mention to me anything about a paper, nor did she ask for help.. and wait a minute am I paying $50 a month for internet access too? And she got a printer and all? Wait a minute.. so she's had a whole month to do absolutely nothing??



But wait.. it's gets better...

So the teacher asks me if I have some time to come down and discuss because when she asked my daughter why she didn't have her assignment her response was "I didn't feel like it" and then the teacher said "Well we're just going to have to call your mother" and my daughter's response was "Go ahead.. call my momma..."



WHAT DA EFF SHE JUST SAY??

Did she just dare the teacher to call her 51/50 crazy as a cuckatoo azz momma and tell her some bs like that? Okay so as I'm doing light speed on the freeway, I think I knocked an old man down and swore I killed him, then I made my move to the school house building.. my daughter never saw it coming..



Before she knew it.. I had snatched her lil behind out of the lunch line and whisked her around the corner and tow that azz up!! I think I beat her for every syllable the teacher said to me.. I beat her for things I didn't even know she did.. I beat her for the future.. I beat her.. took a cigarrette break and beat her again! That's right folks.. I advocate beating yo kids.. beat em before the police have to do it..